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  • Jun. 5th, 2007 at 6:18 PM
: current
outfit: pajamas...
makeup: mascara from a couple of days ago that just won't wash completely away
mood: tired but pretty good...
music: George Harrison - This is Love
taste: french bread
hair: low ponytail
annoyance: i need to clean my room.
smell: peach/ylang ylang candles
should be doing: probably cleaning my room.. or sleeping
desktop picture: stupid jet taking off of a carrier, i wanna change it
favorite artist: Ozzy Osbourne
favorite group: Incubus
book: Sylvia Plath - The Bell Jar
CD: the last one i listened to was Sheryl Crow - The Globe Sessions
movie in VCR: OOH thanks for reminding me, i recorded the second half of IT
color of toenails: natural, i haven't cared lately
refreshment: none
worry: wtf am i gonna do with my life
crush: pleading the fifth kthnx
celebrity: uhh ima say Ozzy Osbourne just cuz he's so funny

: last
touched: my brother, i kissed his nose to make him laugh
talked to: Erik
hugged: Dave
you IMed: Tina
kissed: uhhh my brother
yelled at: my youngest sister because she seriously pissed me off tonight

*insert chant here*

  • Jun. 2nd, 2007 at 4:12 PM
life is a waterfall,
we're one in the river
and one again after the fall.
swimming through the void
we hear the word,
we lose ourselves
but we find it all...
cause we are the ones that want to play,
always want to go,
but you never want to stay,
and we are the ones that want to choose,
always want to play,
but you never want to lose.
aerials, in the sky,
when you lose small mind,
you free your life.
life is a waterfall,
we drink from the river,
then we turn around and put up our walls.
swimming through the void,
we hear the word,
we lose ourselves
but we find it all...
cause we are the ones that want to play,
always want to go
but you never want to stay.
and we are the ones that want to choose,
always want to play,
but you never want to lose.
aerials, in the sky,
when you lose small mind,
you free your life.
aerials, so up high,
when you free your eyes,
eternal prize.
aerials, in the sky,
when you lose small mind,
you free your life.
aerials, so up high,
when you free your eyes,
eternal prize.

you know what i love? reading and reading and reading until silence is rushing in my ears, when I'm so into it that my mom has to put some effort into breaking my concentration to ask me stupid questions, when I'm so into it that it takes me half an hour to think like myself again instead of in the narrative voice of the novel's main character.. i have so missed reading a good novel; i think i just needed a really powerful book to suck me back into my old ways. next on my list? all the novels that have been collecting dust on my shelves that I've been meaning to get to. maybe even finish the sleeping beauty trilogy I've been working on for over a year now.

The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. ladies, do yourselves a favor and read it. don't let the Biblical intonation intimidate you... it's a great narrative.

always creeping up on you

  • Jun. 1st, 2007 at 9:03 PM
goodnight everyone. i might be going to get inked again tomorrow!!!! yayyyyy!!!!

I'm putting this one together myself though. i think. unless i see something else on the wall there i like better. ; )

I'm mad tired, yo. ARRGHH TINA I BLAME YOU FOR THAT, YOU CAN BLAME JOHN IF YOU LIKE. anyway. point is? I'm going to bed. so ehh. see you all tomorrow. maybe I'll scan the sketches I'm working on. hehe.

i'm gonna start paring down my friends list pretty soon.. don't be offended if you're taken off, it's just a thing. i have a lot of stress lately and it's hard to look through 300-400 posts every day.

most people can guess that i'm not happy lately, but it's not really anything i wanna talk about, and i haven't really been talkative at all to people online. in fact, i've barely been online the last few weeks, compared to the way i used to be. and i'm sleeping more; been getting to bed by 2 and up by 11 lately most days. not today because dave was here late, he got home from Temple at 9 something and came to see me at 1030. tomorrow we're going to the zoo. my life is actually pretty good lately, there are just certain factors that cause me to wonder wtf i've done to fuck up my karma.

yay for the zoo!

for awhile so you're not alone

  • May. 23rd, 2007 at 12:42 PM
today *everything* is sinking in and i don't like it one bit. it just makes me want to rage at everyone and everything .

i have four more weeks at my job. i handed in my letter of resignation today, at my boss's request. i can't say that this makes me happy at all.

fuck it. everything. just fuck it.

May. 19th, 2007

  • 8:01 PM
I am this close
to telling almost every guy in my life to take a long walk off a short pier.

I so do not need this. Fuck them.

wtf is humanity, we lost it somewhere.

  • May. 17th, 2007 at 3:14 PM
tell me what do i do about it
when you break down and cry...

you know, for someone who didn't used to be able to cry, the tears have been flowing freely of late. I don't just mean tonight, either. When anything happens. I hope this doesn't become too routine, or I'll never survive basic.

i know i wasn't much of a friend

i'm not sure why i let it get to me so much, except that i do. the only consolation tonight is that it's raining, so i will hopefully be able to sleep. hopefully.

it's such an incredible waste to see these things happen.

please be my angel in the night


  • May. 16th, 2007 at 11:24 AM
Wish I was too dead to cry
The self-affliction phase
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason
My flaws are open season
For this I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I died instead of lived
The zombie hides my face
Child forgotten with its memories
Diaries left with cryptic entries and

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I'll never look down my deceit

where's my light?

  • May. 15th, 2007 at 7:46 PM
So tonight, everyone and their brother seemed to be calling while Erik and I were hanging out, and one of those calls happened to be my recruiter. I finally got to ask her what the procedure will be for my shipping out, and she drops the ball that I'll be leaving Monday afternoon or early evening, instead of Tuesday night, as I was expecting.

I'm losing an entire day and a half and it's killing me. So now plans I'd made for the weekend are pretty much cancelled, except for the party Friday and maybe going to a club Saturday. The kick in the ass is that I had hoped to spend Monday with Erik as my last chance to be with him, and then Tuesday with my family...but not now. Hell, I'll be leaving right after dinner Monday. Jesus. It just feels so much more sudden, and it's a huge blow to take.

The poor boy was there watching me as I was talking to the Master Sergeant and watched my face fall forever, and then had to deal with me literally sobbing into his shoulder for a few minutes after I told my mom the news. It was not a pretty picture. But on the brighter side, it was the kick in the ass Ben needed to finally come see me tonight, and we're supposed to hang out tomorrow afternoon[the same afternoon I was supposed to go to Erik's, but is now off, because I need to start getting my things squared away and packed up].

Tomorrow, I have to pick up my medical records[I need copies of my depo info] and a direct deposit slip from my bank[to take to basic].
Wednesday, Tina and I are leaving at 4:30 in the morning to go up to PA to pick up her roommate and so I get the tour of their school and a few other things along the way back, because Angela is staying here a few days. It should be fun.
Thursday, I still will have packing... I'm sure of that, and I have a 4:00 appointment with the Master Sergeant to do some last minute paperwork and such. Dinner with Dave that night, and apparently I actually am required to dress up.
Friday I need to have my hair chopped off and go shopping for various things, and that night is my party. Tina, Angela and I may go to Platinum on Saturday night. It depends on how things are going; I may need to bow out of that one but I know Tina understands either way and that helps a lot.

This gets harder every day.

update: yeah and I *so* just went on an eating binge, without fully realizing what I was doing until I was half-through. for fuck's sake. it's almost like being fifteen again.
1. Are you male or female?:

call it women's intuition
but i think i'm onto something here.

bat your eyes, girl
be otherworldly.

2. Describe yourself?:

what you see
is a reflection of my choice
and what it means to me.

soliloquy, she was my..
a picture, a wake,
my metaphoric friend.
so then i fell in love with an irony named Life
it taught me this from that and...

yes i feel emphatic about not being static and
not buying philosophies that are sold to me
at a steal
just when you thought it was
safe to think, in comes mental piracy!
what i'm looking for cannot be sold to me.
i wish they all would stop trying 'cause
what i want and what i need
is and will always be free.

3. How do they feel about you?:

too bad the things that make you mad
are my favorite things.
and i'm so happy.
i see you looking, i know that you're thinking
that i'll never go anywhere

4. How do you feel about yourself?:

these eyes are not your eyes
and these eyes are not the color that your arid eyes might be

will i ever get to where i'm going? will i ever follow through with what i had planned
i guess it's possible that i have been a bit distracted
and the directions for me are a lot less in demand.
if i do, will i know when i'm there?
if the wind blew me in the right direction, would i even care?
i would. i take a look around, it's evident the scene has changed
and there are times when i feel improved upon the past.
then there are times when i can't seem to understand at all
yes it seems as though i'm going nowhere... really fucking fast.

i suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?:

say what you will, say what you mean.
you could never offend, your dirty words come out clean.

to see you when i wake up is a gift i didn't think could be real.
to know that you feel the same as i do
is a three-fold utopian dream.
you do something to me that i can't explain.
so would i be out of line if i said i miss you?
i see your picture, i smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
i know i'll see you again whether far or soon
but i need you to know that i care and i miss you.

there's something about the look in your eyes
something i noticed when the light was just right
it reminded me twice that i was alive
and it reminded me that you're so worth the fight
my biggest fear will be the rescue of me
strange how it turns out that way
there's something about the way you move
i see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
more subtle than something someone contrives
your movements echo that i've seen the real thing
your biggest fear will be the rescue of you
strange how it turns out that way, yeah.

6. What would you rather be doing?:

thank goodness for bathtubs and suds!
they temporarily set free this quandary.

when i close my eyes
i can see for miles
there's comfort in my dark scene

7. Describe where you live?:

we could live in a house outside of town

i'm born.
i'm alive.
i breathe.
in a moment or two i realize that the sphere
upon which i reside
is asleep on its feet
should i go back to sleep?
we orbit the sun
i grow up
my open eyes see...
a zombified, somnambulist society.

8. Describe how you love?:

if i wait one minute longer, i think i will die
die, die. it isn't fair. so let them stare.

I never thought that I could want someone so much
'Cause now you're not here and I'm knee-deep in my own fear.

9. Share a few words of wisdom?:

you're never gonna be content if you don't try
try and see outside the line

don't ever let life pass you by

don't let the world bring you down
not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you grow old

you should make amends with you
if only for better health
but if you really want to live
why not try and make yourself? make yourself.

unabashed honesty would be ideal
but a prophet did once say
that honesty's a lonely word